Playing Favorites

Geek Punditry #62: Playing Favorites With Superheroes Part Two

blakemp Playing Favorites , , , , , , , , , , , ,

We’re back again, folks, with the second round of PLAYING FAVORITES with superheroes. For those of you who are new, in “Playing Favorites” I choose a topic and ask my friends on social media to suggest categories for me to discuss my favorite examples. This time around the topic is superheroes, and in the first installment I discussed my favorite legacy superheroes, superhero logos, superhero TV shows, super-pets, and superhero costumes. This time I’m dipping into the list of suggestions and pulling out a few more topics to ramble about. Join me, won’t you?

Origin Stories

Lew Beitz is back, this time asking what my favorite superhero origin stories are. I’m running with this because it gives me a chance to share with you my personal feelings on origin stories, which are thus: in this day and age, origin stories are largely unnecessary. In the early days of the superhero, before all the tropes were codified and the rules established, it may have been a requirement to explain how Alan Scott became the Green Lantern or where that humanoid robot called the Human Torch came from, but when’s the last time you saw a truly ORIGINAL origin story? Most of them, even with good characters, are remakes and rehashes of origins we’ve seen before. As early as 1962 Stan Lee recognized that it was getting hard to come up with an origin that hadn’t already been done, so he just decided these five kids he was writing about were all BORN with their powers and called them the X-Men. This, of course, turned out to be a decision of almost obscene serendipity, which would also be a great name for a rock band.

“Metaphor, schmetaphor, I’m just out of ideas.”

Furthermore, in a world where even someone who’s never touched a comic book is intimately aware of superhero tropes through movies and TV, does it really matter anymore? Think about this – one of the best superhero movies ever made was Pixar’s The Incredibles. It’s a great film. It’s a great SUPERHERO film. But do you know how Mr. Incredible and Elasti-Girl got their powers? No. Do you care? No. No more than it matters what compelled every single character on a medical drama to be a doctor or every officer on a police procedural to become a cop. I’m not saying that we should never tell an origin story again, I’m just saying that unless you’ve got a really interesting and compelling take, do it away with it via a line or two of expository dialogue. The origin is almost never a character’s best story, and if it IS, then that’s not a character who’s going to be around very long. 

All that is to say that, like with the costume, Spider-Man probably has the best origin story in comics. Earlier characters usually had very clean origins – Superman is an alien from a dead planet, Captain America became a super-soldier through a government experiment, etc. Others had good motivation, like Batman wanting to avenge the deaths of his parents or Plastic Man being a criminal whose life was saved through an act of kindness and decided to join the side of angels. But with Spider-Man, the origin took a new level. No, not the part about being bitten by a radioactive spider – that’s how Peter Parker got his POWERS, that’s not what made him Spider-Man. What made him Spider-Man was the death of his uncle, Ben Parker. I don’t think I need to recount how it happened (there are three stories that NEVER need to be filmed again, no matter how many reboots happen: the explosion of Krypton, the deaths of Thomas and Martha Wayne, and the murder of Ben Parker), but WHY it happened matters. Ben died because his nephew did not take the opportunity to do the right thing when it was presented to him, and Peter has been trying to atone for that original sin ever since. Sure, there are a lot of heroes who are motivated by the death of a loved one, and I can’t even say for certain that Spider-Man was the FIRST hero who bore a personal sense of responsibility for his loss, but he is certainly the most notable.

The leading cause of death for male actors age 65-80 is “Playing Ben Parker.”

Incidentally, this is also the reason I think the Tom Holland trilogy of Spider-Man movies in the MCU is nearly perfect. Even though we never see how Pete got his powers in the MCU, the three movies do the job of the emotional component of his origin beautifully. In the first film, he has to learn what it really means to be a hero. In the second, after Tony Stark’s death, he has to learn how to be his OWN kind of hero. And in the third, which pulls a fantastically unexpected twist on the traditional Spider-Man origin, he learns the COST of being a hero. It’s not until the final moments of No Way Home, Tom Holland’s sixth film wearing the costume, that he truly, fully becomes Spider-Man.

Publisher Jump

Duane Hower asked an interesting question about my favorite superheroes who have changed publishers over the years. This has happened more often than you might think. There have been a lot of characters who have moved from one publisher to another, often because their original publisher went out of business and sold or licensed their characters to somebody else. DC Comics, for example, has absorbed the heroes from lots of defunct publishers, including Quality Comics (Plastic Man being the most notable of their characters), Charlton Comics (giving them the likes of Blue Beetle and the Question), Jim Lee’s Wildstorm (featuring the WildC.A.T.s and Gen 13) and Fawcett Publishing (original home of the Shazam family). Marvel has done this as well, buying the heroes of Malibu Comics, especially their Ultraverse line, but unlike DC they buried their purchase and still show no signs of doing anything with them nearly 30 years later.

If you go to the Marvel Comics commissary this picture appears on all of the milk cartons.

My favorite character from this category, aside from Shazam and the Blue Beetle, is probably Magnus: Robot Fighter. Originally published by Western Publishing’s Gold Key imprint, Western shut down their comic publishing in the 80s (although they have recently resurrected the brand, with a new Boris Karloff horror anthology now being published and a new kids’ comic in the crowdfunding stage). In the 90s, they licensed some of their characters to Valiant Comics, who used Magnus and Solar, Man of the Atom, as the cornerstones for their own superhero universe. Magnus was a hero from the distant future of 4000 A.D., a world where sentient robots were beginning to run wild and had to be battled, which means ChatGPT got here nearly 2000 years early. I loved that book, and when Valiant itself went under the license for Magnus and the other Western characters began to bounce to various publishers, including iBooks, Dark Horse, and Dynamite. None of those ever had the zing of the Valiant version, though. I don’t know who currently owns the license, but I kind of hope that now that Gold Key exists again, they’ll make an effort to bring back the original.

Pictured: The moderators of every comic book group on Facebook that’s trying to stop members from posting AI art.

The other way a hero can bounce publishers is if it is not owned by the publisher itself, but rather the creator, who moves to different publishers over time. For example, Matt Wagner’s titles Grendel and Mage were originally published by Comico, but after that publisher died he took them to Dark Horse and Image, respectively. Kurt Busiek’s Astro City started at Image Comics, moved to Jim Lee’s Wildstorm (published via Image), then moved to DC when DC bought Wildstorm. It was published under the Wildstorm imprint for years before moving to DC’s Vertigo line (perhaps the worst fit possible), and recently bounced back to Image.

But the best hero to play the publisher mambo is Mike Allred’s Madman, a character published by Tundra Comics, Dark Horse, Image, and Allred’s own AAA Pop over the years. Madman is a modern take on the Frankenstein story (he even uses the name “Frank Einstein”), a hero who was brought to life in a reanimated corpse and doesn’t remember his previous existence. The book is full of wild sci-fi concepts and can go from hilariously funny to deeply philosophical at the turn of a page. It’s been too long since there was a new Madman story, so if you’re listening, Mr. Allred, please bring him back. I miss him.

I know it’s hard to believe, but this comic is even cooler than it looks.

Cursed By Their Powers

My uncle Todd Petit, who gave me some Green Lantern and Legion of Super-Heroes comics when I was a kid and thus is largely responsible for half the things I write about, asked who my favorite characters are with powers that are “as much a curse as a blessing.” It’s an interesting trope, isn’t it, to have superpowers that ruin your life? It’s an idea that gets used again and again, because when it’s done well, it works like nobody’s business. The Hulk is probably the most well-known example, a man who transforms uncontrollably into a manifestation of his own Id and breaks tanks. Then there’s Rogue of the X-Men, whose power makes it impossible to have physical contact with another human being without stealing their powers, their memory, and potentially (if the contact is prolonged) their lives. It really makes Halle Berry’s Storm seem tone deaf in the first X-Men movie when she tells Rogue there’s nothing wrong with her, and every time I watch it I hope for the deleted scene where Anna Paquin tells her, “The hell there isn’t.” 

Anyway, I think there’s one story that expresses that concept better than any other. And that story?

Project: ALF.

If I ever go through a whole “Playing Favorites” column without posting this, consider it a signal that I have been abducted and am being held hostage.

No, of course, my favorite “cursed by his own powers” hero is Benjamin J. Grimm, the Thing, of the Fantastic Four. Put yourself in Ben’s position for a minute. Your best friend convinces you to help him steal a rocketship he built. He ropes his girlfriend and her kid brother into coming along for the ride. The four of you are bombarded with space-rays that give you all amazing powers, but transform your bodies as well. The kicker is, unlike your three teammates, you can’t turn your powers off. Reed Richards can stop stretching, Sue can become visible, and Johnny can quench the flames of the Human Torch, but Benjy is trapped in an orange rock shell 24/7. If anybody in comics has the right to complain that he lost the superhero lottery it’s him.

Instead, he became the ever-lovin’ blue-eyed idol o’ millions.

Too many writers would use this as an excuse to make him a bad guy. He would turn against the team, become the villain, try to exact revenge on Reed – and to be fair, for a long time he was the grouchy and often antagonistic member of the Fantastic Four. But over the 63 years since the characters were created, the opposite has happened. He has become kinder, tender, a beautiful spirit. He could have been the monster, but instead, he is the knight in stony armor. He’s smart, he’s funny, he’s compassionate, and he’s still never afraid to get his hands dirty when the situation calls for it. He made peace with his curse, reembraced his faith, found love, and in recent years has even become a husband and a father. The amazing thing about Ben is how he has persevered and grown despite his “curse.” I think writer Chris Claremont put it best in the Fantastic Four Vs. the X-Men miniseries from 1987, when Ben had his powers taken by the aforementioned Rogue. Claremont, perhaps the purplest prose penner whoever picked up a pen, describes the sensation thusly:

Instantly, as her body is flooded with the Thing’s awesome strength, her awareness is filled with the totality of his being – all he was and is and dreams/despairs of being. She thought she’d be attacking a toad. Instead, she’s touched the soul of a prince.

That’s actually Rogue on the left. She…had a standard MO.

Ben is one of the good ones, is what I’m saying.

Honorable mention goes to DC’s Firestorm. Firestorm has gone through several iterations over the years, but the original Firestorm was created when a nuclear accident (so, so many of those in superhero universes) fused two people together: physicist Dr. Martin Stein and teenage jock Ronnie Raymond. The accident merged them into a single, extremely powerful being who would go on to join the Justice League and then get sued by Ghost Rider for stealing his whole “flaming head” bit.

Clearly, this guy is miserable with his lot in life.

Here’s where the “cursed” part comes in: when Stein and Ronnie were originally fused together, Stein was unconscious. So whenever they merge into Firestorm, Ronnie is in charge and Stein becomes a voice in his head, offering advice but having no control. What’s more, in the early days of their partnership, Stein didn’t even remember being Firestorm whenever he and Ronnie were split, so he was constantly waking up with big chunks of his life missing and having no idea what happened. The reason it’s only an honorable mention is because the writers did away with that part relatively early, and I guess I can understand why. It must be hard to write around the fact that one of your main characters is constantly in fear of a blackout and the other has to find ways around it, and so Stein started retaining his memory of their partnership. Still, I think the idea of a superhero whose life keeps getting screwed up because he doesn’t KNOW he’s a superhero is pretty intriguing, and I bet somebody could do something really interesting with the concept.

Sidekicks

Jim MacQuarrie asks my favorite superhero sidekick. The sidekick is such a weird concept, isn’t it? Going back to the pre-superhero days of Sherlock Holmes and Watson (and certainly even earlier), the sidekick is a character who traditionally exists so that the hero has an audience surrogate to explain things to instead of having to talk to himself. For some reason, when the concept of the sidekick was incorporated into comic books, they got the idea that the best way to handle this was to make them all children or, at most, teenagers, thereby making a large number of superheroes guilty of multiple counts of child endangerment. Choosing a favorite sidekick is actually kind of tricky, because the best ones don’t usually become particularly compelling or interesting until they stop acting as sidekicks and become heroes in their own right – Dick Grayson is far more interesting as Nightwing than he ever was as Robin, Wally West is a better Flash than Kid Flash, and so forth.

I think the best of all time is Tim Drake, the third Robin. Part of it was because he had such a different motivation than his predecessors. Dick Grayson and Jason Todd each became Robins to help avenge their own personal tragedies, much as Batman did, but not Tim. Tim was, to put it simply, a Batman fanboy who figured out that Robin was Dick Grayson because they shared a move he saw Dick perform in the circus as a child. From there it was easy enough to figure out that Bruce was Batman, and he kept that secret until the death of Jason Todd, when he saw Batman begin to be swallowed by darkness and realized he needed a balance. Dick and Jason became Robins to avenge their parents. Tim became Robin to save Batman. 

Of course, being a great sidekick basically makes you “the best of the rest.”

He’s also the smartest of the Robins, with Bruce conceding that he’ll someday be a better detective than Batman himself. The trouble is, ever since Grant Morrison introduced Bruce’s biological son Damian Wayne to continuity and made him Robin, writers have struggled with Tim. Damian has won me over, mind you – he’s become an interesting and entertaining character in his own right – but very few writers in the years since have really known what to do with Tim, including the current writers of the Batman-associated titles. And that’s a shame, because he was such a great character for such a long time.

Different Interpretations

We’ll wrap up this installment with a question by Hunter Fagan, who asked about my favorite heroes with drastically different interpretations in the main continuity. (In other words, like how Batman went from lighthearted and child-friendly in the 50s to dark and brooding in the 80s while ostensibly still being the same character.) I think my answer for this one is going to be Jennifer Walters, the She-Hulk. Jennifer was a lawyer who was injured in a gang shooting and had to get a blood transfusion from her only available relative – who turned out to be her cousin Bruce Banner, the Hulk. The result is…well, it’s right there in the name, isn’t it?

Comic books reached their peak in 1989. Change my mind.

In the early years, Jen was kind of bland. She wasn’t AS angry as the Hulk, she kept her wits about her better than he did, she beat up bad guys, repeat. After her book got canceled, she wound up joining the Avengers and started to become a more well-rounded character. She joined the Fantastic Four for a while, temporarily replacing the Thing (he was really mad at Reed Richards during this period) and became a favorite of writer/artist John Byrne, who brought her back to her own series in 1989. This new series was where the She-Hulk I love was fully formed: smart, funny, constantly winking at the audience and knocking down that fourth wall with all the strength that would be implied by a Hulk. (It should be pointed out that this was two years before Deadpool was created and even longer before he began breaking the fourth wall himself.) Since Byrne’s She-Hulk most writers have kept the lighthearted tone, although few of them have had her speaking to the writer or expediting her travel by having the reader turn the comic book page the way Byrne did. And say what you will, I thought Tatiana Maslany’s portrayal of the character in the titular Disney+ miniseries was spot on, and I still hold out hope that she’ll be brought back in some capacity.

And thus we end another installment of Playing Favorites, guys. I didn’t get to every suggestion – some of them were a little too similar to others, some I just didn’t have much to say about, and some I just ran out of room. But it’s always a blast to do one of these, so if you aren’t following me on Facebook or Threads (@BlakeMP25), you should do that! Because it’s only a matter of time before a new category comes to mind and I ask you all to help me Play Favorites again.

Blake M. Petit is a writer, teacher, and dad from Ama, Louisiana. His most recent writing project is the superhero adventure series Other People’s Heroes: Little Stars, now complete on Amazon’s Kindle Vella platform. Barely a mention of Superman this week. There. Ya happy?

Geek Punditry: Playing Favorites With Christmas Part Two

blakemp Geek Punditry, Playing Favorites , , , , ,

Roast your chestnuts and deck your halls, folks! It’s time once again for Playing Favorites, the Geek Punditry recurring feature in which I ask my pals on social media for categories of some kind of storytelling and I talk about my favorites in those categories. This time around I’m Playing Favorites with Christmas stories. Last week, in part one of this feature that will go down in history with the works of Charles Dickens, Frank Capra, and Quincey Magoo, I talked about some of my favorite Christmas comedies, my favorite Christmas horror movies, my favorite Christmas stories from a preexisting IP, and my favorite songs written specifically for a Christmas movie. This week we’re cracking open the suggestions and looking at a few more different categories. So cinch up your comically-oversized black leather belt! Just like Santa Claus when you leave out an assortment of cookies on Christmas Eve, it’s time to Play Favorites!

Rankin and Bass

Duane Hower asked me for my favorite Rankin and Bass Christmas special. This is a toughie, guys. Rankin and Bass is the studio that I think is most associated with Christmas, the people that gave us Frosty the Snowman, Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, and that weird Smokey the Bear movie that nobody ever remembers. They branched out to other holidays as well, with Here Comes Peter Cottontail and the Halloween epic Mad Monster Party. They even lent Rudolph to other holidays with Rudolph’s Shiny New Year and Rudolph and Frosty’s Christmas in July. They made their own version of The Hobbit, and in the 80s they gave us afterschool masterpieces such as Thundercats and Silverhawks. What I’m getting at here is…well…I really like the works of Rankin and Bass. So picking a singular favorite would be nearly impossible.

This is what Christmas looked like when we were kids.

The good news is, it’s my dang column and I don’t need to limit myself to just one choice if I don’t want to. I think we can all agree that the best-known and most-beloved of the Rankin and Bass catalog are the best-known and most-beloved for a reason:  Frosty the Snowman, Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town, and Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Each of these took a legendary song and extrapolated an entire world based on it. Rudolph’s special created whole new characters that have become a welcome addition to any Christmas village such as Yukon Cornelius, Bumble the Abominable Snowman, and Hermey the Elf (who wants to be a dentist). From Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town we have the Burgermeister Meisterburger – the most fun Yuletide villain since King Herod – and a worthy origin story for the character at the center of the Rankin and Bass universe. And while I don’t know if anyone would argue that Frosty’s arch-enemy Professor Hinkle is as iconic as those others, everybody loves that cartoon and will gladly watch it every year.

Having said all that, let me talk a little bit about some of the other Rankin and Bass specials that may not be as iconic, but that I still enjoy. A couple of weeks ago I mentioned The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus, an adaptation of the novel by L. Frank Baum that gives Santa a more fantastic origin than most, and which I am an avowed fan of due to its (tenuous but real) connection to the universe of Baum’s Oz novels, which I’ve mentioned before I really enjoy. And just as last week I marked “The Snow Miser Song/The Heat Miser Song” from The Year Without a Santa Claus as one of the best pieces of music composed for a Christmas film, I also love the special as a whole. Like many a superhero franchise, with Santa’s origin out of the way Rankin and Bass were free to just tell a charming story with the character, expand his world, and keep the magic alive.

“Ten bucks if you eat the yellow snowball, Young Santa.”

‘Twas the Night Before Christmas is another one I deeply enjoy. A VERY loose adaptation of the poem by Clement Clarke Moore, in this half-hour an entire city is in danger of being put on Santa’s naughty list because of one anonymous citizen who wrote a letter to the newspaper claiming that Santa is a fraud. You’ve got to wonder why the editor actually chose to run that letter in the first place, or at the very least why he failed to include the disclaimer that the letter only represents the opinion of its writer and not necessarily the opinions of the newspaper, the town, or the National Football League, but at that point the damage was done and it’s up to a clockmaker and his mouse buddy to fix it. If you haven’t watched this one in a while give it a spin this year – I promise when the special’s featured song begins you’ll recognize it. 

Rankin and Bass also did a few religious specials in addition to all the secular ones. Nestor the Long-Eared Christmas Donkey isn’t really anything to write home about (it’s really Rudolph plus Bambi times Jesus, and Don Bluth did a much better job telling essentially the same story for Disney in Small One), but I have a fondness for their version of The Little Drummer Boy, and it’s certainly worth putting into your Christmas rotation. 

Claymation

Amber Foret wanted to know my favorite Claymation Christmas films. I’m not sure if she, too, was thinking of Rankin and Bass, but I’m going to treat it as a separate category, because they’re two different things. While both are examples of stop motion animation, Rankin and Bass used puppets made of wood or metal with real fabric clothing and the like, whereas “Claymation” specifically refers to stop motion created using malleable substances like plasticine. Aardman Animation, creators of the Wallace and Gromit cartoons and Chicken Run films, use the clay technique. I know that a lot of people don’t really care about the difference, but I’m going to differentiate them for two very important reasons.

1: I’m a pedantic son of a bitch that way.

2: It gives me another category.

And there are two Claymation projects that rise to the top. The first, from 1987, is Will Vinton’s Claymation Christmas Celebration. Vinton – who actually trademarked the term “Claymation” for his own studio – became prominent in the 80s for his work in animation, particularly the California Raisins commercials. In this half-hour special a pair of dinosaurs, Rex and Herb, host a presentation of classic Christmas carols, all while the gluttonous Herb tries to discover the true meaning of the word “wassail.” It’s a great special, with several segments having a bizarre, surreal quality to them. Many, such as the “Carol of the Bells” number, are really funny. Others, like “Joy to the World,” use different techniques to do animation that looks very different than you’d expect. And their rendition of “Oh Christmas Tree” is simply lovely. The special also includes the California Raisins with their legendary rendition of “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,” and a jazzy version of “We Three Kings” that still springs immediately to my mind whenever I hear the song.

Christmas: Bringing together carnivores and herbivores since 65,000,000 B.C.

The other Claymation special I want to talk about is a British production from 1999: Robbie the Reindeer in Hooves of Fire. Robbie is the son of a very, very famous reindeer (some may even call him the most famous reindeer of all) who, trapped in his dad’s shadow, is trying to make a name for himself. His goal is to become Santa’s navigator, thanks to a nose that has a built-in GPS function, but the only way he’s going to pull it off is by conquering some rather malevolent rivals in the Reindeer Games. Although not an Aardman production, this special is full of the weird, dry British humor that makes me love Aardman, Monty Python, Fawlty Towers and the like. There were also two sequels to the special, Legend of the Lost Tribe and Close Encounters of the Herd Kind. The first one is the best, but all three are worth watching. Do your best to find the original British versions, though, rather than the American versions where the voices were all re-dubbed by the likes of Ben Stiller and Brittney Spears. Nothing against them, but come on – if you’ve got Jane Horrocks, Mark Gatiss, and Rhys Ifans doing the voices, why the hell would you replace them? 

You know it’s brilliant because they don’t even need to specify which award it won.

A Christmas Without a Lesson

Rene Gauthreaux decided to make things hard on me by asking the biggest stumper of the bunch: my favorite Christmas movie where no one learns a lesson.

Project ALF.

Because y’see, by now he had ALREADY learned that you shouldn’t eat cats.

This one is tough, guys, because the essence of Christmas is redemption. If you think back to the religious meaning of the holiday, it’s baked right into the story. Even if you ignore that, the vast majority of truly great Christmas stories involve somebody finding a way to make peace with their past and embrace their future – A Christmas Carol, It’s a Wonderful Life, Violent Night, and so forth. So picking a Christmas movie where no lesson is learned, let alone a really GOOD such film, is a rather gargantuan task. I thought hard about this one. I wracked my brain. I even went to Letterboxd and scoured over my list of every Christmas movie I’ve ever watched. (What, you mean you don’t have one?)

Finally, I came to the conclusion that the best lesson-free Christmas movie ever made is the wonderfully bizarre Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale. This 2010 film from Finland is about a research team and a family that get embroiled in a task to capture the most dangerous game there is, a unique species that is prized by hunters for its strange properties and remarkable abilities, and which are terribly dangerous, but utterly indispensable at the holidays. I don’t want to say too much more, because if you haven’t seen it I don’t want to ruin the surprise, but the movie is really funny, totally messed-up, and absolutely not to show the kids if you’re just trying to get them to stop watching Santa Buddies for the 900th time. But if you like weird, you don’t mind  little gore, and you can handle a movie with tongue planted firmly in its cheek, Rare Exports is worth checking out.

If there IS a lesson to learn here, it’s probably about that hat.

Christmas Fantasy

Kylie Wells hit me with another toughie: my favorite Christmas fantasy. You wouldn’t think this one would be too difficult, as by rights almost any Christmas story that recognizes the reality behind Santa or Rudolph would inherently count as fantasy, but Kylie specified that she was talking about the sort of “high fantasy” that inhabits the worlds of J.R.R. Tolkien or C.S. Lewis, and once you apply that filter the list gets much shorter. People have tried to tackle this very specific subgenre several times, and to be honest, most of the efforts have kind of fallen flat. The best one that comes to mind is the Rankin and Bass adaptation of L. Frank Baum’s The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus, but I’ve written about that a lot this month, so I don’t want to go back to that well again.

For some reason, the magic of Christmas and the magic of high fantasy just don’t mix very well. In fact, a lot of the efforts are laughable – the 2014 film The Christmas Dragon was actually spoofed in the most recent season of Mystery Science Theater 3000. Then a few years ago, while looking for a Christmas movie with my wife, my father, my sister, and her kids, we stumbled upon the 2018 Italian film Legend of the Christmas Witch. When I say this movie is bad…guys, I think it may be safe to call this the Troll 2 of Christmas movies. In fact, although it is not my pick to answer Kylie’s question, I’m gonna recommend you all go and watch this movie just to see for yourself how amazingly, wonderfully bad it is. Every so often Erin, Heather and I talk about seeing if it’s still streaming anywhere (I just checked – as of this writing it’s on FreeVee, Tubi TV, and the Roku Channel) and watching it again with someone else who has not yet had the pleasure. In fact, I’m just going to quote my own review of the film I wrote at the time to give you a taste of what you’re in for:

“At one point in this movie the witch’s boyfriend has to take off his dinosaur mask so he can tell her students to steal a bunch of toy bicycles to ride into the mountains while he distracts the dragonfly drones, and if that doesn’t make you want to watch it I don’t even know what to tell you.”

You have been warned.

Seriously, this is one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen. Watch it twice.

But for an actual good movie that embraces the elements of fantasy, the best example I can think of is Hogfather, the 2006 miniseries that adapts the late, great Terry Pratchett’s Discworld novel of the same name. If you’ve never read a Discworld book you’re missing out – it’s a fantasy series that brilliantly satirizes not only the tropes of fantasy, but also modern culture, with different aspects targeted by the different books. Hogfather isn’t TECHNICALLY a Christmas movie, as Christmas doesn’t exist on the Disc, but it’s about their equivalent: Hogswatch, a holiday in which the good children of the Disc are visited by the Hogfather…except this year, the Hogfather is missing, the entire fabric of belief on the Disc is in jeopardy, and the only person who can possibly save Hogswatch (and the world) is Death. No, like literally, Death. The Grim Reaper. Guy with the scythe. The big “Th-th-th-that’s all, folks!” He’s the guy who’s gotta save the world.

Him and his granddaughter.

Anyway, it’s a great book and a great miniseries, and damned if I can think of a better fantasy movie for the Christmas season.

I AM HERE TO SAVE THE HOLIDAYS AND DRINK EGG NOG. AND I AM ALL OUT OF EGG NOG.

Atypical Christmas

We’re going to wrap things up by talking about the category I’m sure you’ve all been waiting for. Jon McCarthy wanted to know my favorite “atypical” Christmas movie (Jon, by the way, is an awesome comic book writer and creator of the comics Endangered and Comic Book Trivia. His newest comic, a New Orleans-based horror one-shot called Loup Garou, was released just this past Wednesday, and you should all run out to your local comic shop and buy a copy, or demand they order one for you if they foolishly failed to have one in stock.) Liese Aucoin, similarly, asked about my favorite “Non-Christmas Christmas Stories, other than Die Hard.” (Liese, to the best of my knowledge, has not written any comic books about werewolves in New Orleans.)

Since I think Jon and Liese are basically asking the same thing, I’m going to combine my answer, especially since it gives me a chance to tackle the greatest Christmas controversy since “Who spiked the egg nog?” Namely: what exactly constitutes a Christmas movie? Die Hard, of course, is the originator of this particular meme, when it became popular among a certain part of the population to call it their “favorite Christmas movie” ironically, as it’s an action movie SET at Christmas, but doesn’t really have the usual trappings of Yuletide cheer. Since then, people have stacked up dozens of movies that fit the same criteria: a Christmas setting, but not really a Christmasy story: films in this category include (but are not limited to) Lethal Weapon, Batman Returns, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, and Rambo. 

This has become a surprisingly delicate subject, with some people who get violently angry when you suggest one of these films counts as a Christmas movie. (Ironically, in this instance they are behaving more like Martin Riggs from Lethal Weapon than Bob Crachit.) On the other hand, sometimes the people who are in favor of such movies are so obnoxiously smug about it that it can be embarrassing to admit you agree with them lest you be considered a douche by association.

So let me settle this once and for all. First of all: watch whatever you want, whenever you want, and who the hell cares if somebody else agrees with you if something is a Christmas movie or not? Gatekeeping is stupid, life is too short, so enjoy yourself.

Second: I’m going to explain what I PERSONALLY think makes for a Christmas movie, something I outlined in more detail a few years ago, but I have to stress that this is MY criteria. Go ahead and create your own. Doesn’t upset me in the slightest. 

For me to count something as a Christmas movie it needs to fit any TWO of the following THREE criteria:

  1. It must take place PRIMARILY during the Christmas season. (Movies with only one scene set at Christmas, like Toy Story or Star Trek: Generations don’t count.)
  2. It must feature a traditional Christmas character in a prominent role. (Santa Claus, Rudolph, the Grinch, Ernest P. Worrell, Jesus…y’know, the usual.)
  3. It must include a traditional Christmas theme such as family, love, fear (that “ghost stories” thing I mentioned last week) or, of course, redemption.

So by my criteria, of COURSE Die Hard counts as a Christmas movie, as it meets criteria #1 and #3. (It’s about the redemption of John McClain and the real hero of the film, Sgt. Al Powell.) 

Each of these films meet two out of the three criteria, and are therefore equally Christmasy. It’s just science, people.

All right, all that out of the way, what am I picking as my FAVORITE atypical Christmas movies? With Die Hard removed from the equation and taken as a given? Well, there are still several others to choose from. Sure, I like Lethal Weapon and Batman Returns and Iron Man 3 (I honestly think it’s underrated in the Marvel Cinematic Universe pantheon), but I don’t often work those into my Christmas rotation. One movie I DO like watching this time of year? Well obviously it’s the one about that cheerful guy in the red suit with the power to fly all around the world. I’m talkin’ 2019’s Shazam! 

The bubble gum even kinda makes it look like he has a very shiny nose.

Based on the DC Comic, we’re treated to the story of young Billy Batson (played by Asher Angel), a foster kid who has been bouncing from one home to another for years in a quest to find his birth mother, whom he was separated from as a small child. He’s recently been placed in a new home when an encounter with an ancient wizard gives him the power to transform into the world’s mightest mortal, Shazam (with his adult form played to perfection by Zachary Levi). The movie is set at Christmastime – the final battle, in fact, takes place at a Christmas festival – so it meets criteria #1. And family is one of the major themes of great Christmas stories, so this film lands criteria #3, telling a truly touching story about “found families,” and how the bonds that forge a true family are based not on blood, but on love. It’s a sweet, exciting movie that I sincerely enjoy. Hell, may be the only person out there who liked the sequel – although admittedly, not as much as the first one.

Wow, guys, I have gone on for a WHILE on this one, but hopefully I’ve given you all some movies to check out in the last ten days until Christmas. I know I’m going to be diving into at least some of these films before Santa drops by on Christmas Eve. Thanks to everyone who gave me a suggestion – once again, it was a lot of fun. And I’ll see you again next time I decide to Play Favorites!

Blake M. Petit is a writer, teacher, and dad from Ama, Louisiana. His current writing project is the superhero adventure series Other People’s Heroes: Little Stars, a new episode of which is available every Wednesday on Amazon’s Kindle Vella platform. You know what else you should watch this December? The Rocketeer. It’s not a Christmas movie, Blake just doesn’t think it gets enough love.

Geek Punditry #49: Playing Favorites With Christmas Part One

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Ah, Christmas. My favorite time of year. The time of lights and tinsel, candy canes and egg nog, and most relevant to this blog, movies and stories. I love Christmas in general, but perhaps my favorite thing about it is the surfeit of wonderful stories set around the season, which I indulge in almost to the exclusion of everything else between Thanksgiving and the 25th of December. The thing is, most of my favorite movies and books are evergreen. I can watch Back to the Future in June, I can read Ender’s Game on St. Patrick’s Day, and nothing feels wrong about it. But a great Christmas story just doesn’t feel right unless I’m consuming it sometime after Santa rides in the Macy’s parade and some time before that ball drops in Times Square on New Year’s Eve. So in this window, I have to take in a LOT of stuff.

This week I’m Playing Favorites with Christmas. I asked my friends on social media to suggest different categories relating to Christmas movies, books, TV shows, etc., and like I did with horror movies at Halloween, this week I’m going to examine these categories and talk about some of my favorites in each one. And if you’ve got suggestions for more categories – drop ‘em in the comments! There’s still a few movie nights left before Christmas!

“They said this one is about the Donnor Party. I hope it’s good, I love reindeer.”

Christmas Comedies

Lew Beitz is going to kick us off this week by asking for some of my favorite Christmas comedies. A lot of great Christmas movies have funny parts, of course, and I think the trifecta that most people will turn to when asked this question are – in order of release – A Christmas Story (1983), National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (1989), and Home Alone (1990). 

In A Christmas Story, Bob Clark blended together several semi-autobiographical short stories by Jean Shepherd (who narrates the story) and turned out a timeless movie that captures the essence of childhood at Christmas while still being unceasingly funny. There can be no doubting the iconic status of a movie that has turned a plastic lamp shaped like a woman’s leg in fishnet stockings into a traditional Christmas decoration. 

Christmas Vacation is the third and greatest of the Vacation films, about a dad (played by Chevy Chase) who desperately tries to recreate the magic of his youth for his own family, but struggles against a more cynical age. This is not only the best Vacation film, but the best movie Chevy Chase ever made. It was SO good that afterwards a federal judge ruled he was legally prohibited from being funny for the next 20 years. The ban was lifted in 2009, and Chase joined the cast of the show Community. 

Home Alone has Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern getting hit in the face with paint cans.

So those, I think, are the big three. But I don’t just want to leave you with the obvious answers, so I’m giving an honorable mention to another beloved Christmas comedy, the 1988 epic Ernest Saves Christmas. I am an unabashed fan of Jim Varney and his Ernest P. Worrell character (go ahead, try to abash me, I dare ya), and this is possibly the purest expression of what Ernest was. Sure, at this point he had already gone to camp, but in that film he was sort of a sweet-hearted, simple agent of chaos in a relatively realistic world. This is the movie where the Ernestverse really started to spiral into screwball comedy. In this film, Ernest is a cab driver that falls in with a guy who tells him he’s Santa Claus. He’s about to retire and needs to find the man who’s been chosen to take his place, an actor on a kids’ TV show, before it’s time for his Christmas Eve run. There’s some wacky stuff with a pair of elves and reindeer caught up in a shipping mishap, but that’s not the real draw of this movie. Seeing the golden, childlike heart of Ernest as he does his best to help Santa is one of the best reasons to love this character, even as he presents us with his funniest film. Choosing a favorite Ernest movie, frankly, is like trying to select a single rose petal as the most beautiful, but there you are.

And if you prefer your Christmas movies with a religious connotation, you’ve got the father, the sons, and the holy ghost right here.

Christmas Songs From Movies

Rachel Ricks has asked me for some of my favorite songs written specifically for a Christmas movie, differentiating them (I assume) from those pre-existing songs that are incorporated into holiday classics, like “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,” “Frosty the Snowman,” and “Human Centipede.” 

Again, I’ll mention the most iconic example first, then talk about some others. The most famous – and arguably the best – Christmas song ever written for a movie is probably “White Christmas,” written for the 1942 film Holiday Inn and then used as the title and centerpiece number for the semi-remake of the movie as White Christmas in 1954. It’s a lovely song that I’m sure many people today don’t even realize was from a movie, and those that do know its cinematic origin probably misattribute it to the later, more famous film.

It’s not my personal favorite, though. Two other songs edge it out. For pure fun, you can’t beat “The Snow Miser Song/The Heat Miser Song” from 1974’s The Year Without a Santa Claus. In this Rankin and Bass classic, as you know, Mrs. Claus has to entreat these two thermally-opposed brothers to cooperate with one another in a convoluted plot to save Christmas. They both eventually agree, but not before performing this absolute banger of a musical number about how awesome they each are compared to their brother and how much better it is when Christmas is cold or hot, depending on which one of them is singing at the time. (The Snow Miser happens to be correct, by the way.) Even though neither song is particularly Christmasy (except for the lines where the brothers proclaim themselves Mr. White Christmas or Mr. Green Christmas, respectively), it’s so catchy and so much fun to sing along to that it’s become a staple on my Christmas playlist.

If you’re Team Heat Miser, you’re just wrong.

But my absolute favorite Christmas song originally written for a movie is “Silver Bells.” This song made its debut in 1951 in the Bob Hope movie The Lemon Drop Kid, about a silver-tongued con artist (Hope, naturally) who winds up owing a massive gambling debt to a gangster and has to come up with a contrived scheme to pay it back by Christmas Eve. The movie is charming and deserves a place with the other great films of its era, but never seems to be mentioned alongside the likes of White Christmas, It’s a Wonderful Life, or Miracle on 34th Street.

“Children laughing, people passing, something something joke, about the shape of my nose…”

As far as WHY I love that song so much…odd as it may sound, I love it because it feels to me like a love letter to New York. The song mentions “city sidewalks” without ever specifying the city, but New York is where much of the film is set and it’s where Hope is wandering when he sings the song. I’ve never really been to New York. (Spent a night in a hotel there once when a flight was canceled, but all I saw was the airport, the hotel, and the shuttle in-between so I don’t count that.) Despite that, though, decades of cultural osmosis has indelibly given me a vision of New York in December as being the most Christmasy city in the world. God knows the city has its problems, but the movies have done a truly magical job of painting it as the place to be for the holidays. It’s the setting for Miracle on 34th Street, Home Alone 2, Elf, and plenty of other classics. From the Macy’s Parade on Thanksgiving to the tree lighting in Rockefeller Center to the Times Square ball drop on New Year’s Eve, there is an intangible yuletide magic associated with New York City that this song captures perfectly. Frankly, if I ever DO go to New York, I hope it’s NOT at Christmas, because I’m pretty sure that the reality would fall very short of the snowglobe fantasy I’ve built up in my mind, in which “Silver Bells” is the background music.

Christmas IPs

Adam Santino asked about my favorite Christmas movies based on a pre-existing intellectual property, such as National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation or He-Man and She-Ra: A Christmas Special. To clarify, for the sake of anyone unfamiliar with the term, Adam is basically asking for my favorite films based on an established brand that happened to have a Christmas-themed special or installment. Christmas Vacation, as I’ve already mentioned, is the gold standard, but there are a lot of possibilities to choose from here, and I think the correct answer is obvious.

Project ALF.

That’s right, the running gag didn’t end on Halloween.

No, but seriously, it will not surprise anyone to find out I’m a devotee of the classics: A Charlie Brown Christmas, Disney shorts like Pluto’s Christmas Tree, and the epic Star Wars Holiday Special. But there are two productions that immediately spring to mind, and they’re both courtesy of the Jim Henson people. The Muppets and their cousins at Sesame Street have each shared the joy of Christmas with us many, many times, but for my money there’s nothing finer than 1992’s A Muppet Christmas Carol. The first major Muppet production after the death of Jim Henson was something of a risk for the studio. Nobody was really sure if the magic would still be there without the man who gave his soul to Kermit the Frog. But the results were remarkable: by casting Michael Caine as Scrooge (as perhaps my favorite Ebenezer Scrooge of all time) and having Gonzo the Great stand in as Charles Dickens to serve as the narrator, they managed to make a film that is not only one of the most textually-faithful adaptations of Charles Dickens’s novel out there, but is still full of the humor, music, and heart that make the Muppets so special. It’s such a shame that Disney has lost the plot on these characters, because one need look no farther than this movie to see just how much potential the Muppets have, how much the Muppets matter, and how perfect they can be.

The other film that comes to mind is from 1978: Christmas Eve on Sesame Street. In this special, Big Bird is horrified when Oscar the Grouch tells him there’s no way Santa can fit down the little chimneys in the apartments on Sesame Street, and Big Bird sets out on a quest to figure out how Santa can do his job. There are a few subplots as well, with Cookie Monster struggling to write a letter to Santa and Bert and Ernie doing their own charming twist on The Gift of the Magi, but it’s the main plot that sets this special apart. 

It is said that, when Sesame Street was being developed, the idea was that Big Bird would play the part of the naive younger sibling, while Oscar would be the grumpy older sibling with a bit of an attitude. (Not relevant to this story, but Grover was intended to be the neglected middle child, and DANG does that make things make sense.) The dynamic between Big Bird and Oscar is wonderfully authentic, a fact made even more impressive when you remember that the late Caroll Spinney was the performer for both characters. Near the end, when Big Bird has gone missing due to his Santaquest, Maria (played by Sonia Manzano) lays into Oscar in a way that’s less like the mother figure she would eventually become and more like a big sister angry at someone picking on her little brother. It’s her performance in this special that I think explains why she was the first crush for a hell of a lot of viewers (and, if we’re being honest here, of Oscar himself). Finally, the special features Sesame Street’s lovely holiday anthem “Keep Christmas With You” performed by Bob McGrath, a scene that has even more resonance since his passing last year. 

The magic of Christmas is best expressed through the power of felt.

Christmas Horror

We’re gonna wrap up Part One of the yuletide “Playing Favorites” column with a suggestion from my wife Erin, who (staying 100 percent on brand) wants to know about my favorite Christmas horror movies. I know that a lot of traditionalists don’t care for scary movies at Christmas, but I think that’s a bit short sighted. The truth is, there is a long tradition of horror taking place at Christmastime, a tradition that goes back much, much farther than even the era of cinema. Before Halloween really took off, weaving creepy yarns next to the fire at Christmas was a longstanding tradition. It’s the reason the song “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” includes the line “There’ll be scary ghost stories and tales of the glories of Christmases long, long ago.” And lest we forget, the most famous Christmas novel of all time is about a miserable bastard who is tormented by ghosts until he accepts the fact that he is, in fact, a miserable bastard and swears to get his act together.

All that said, I love a good scary story at Christmas – but I do have my limits. I like ghost stories. I like monsters. But I’m not as big a fan of human monsters at Christmas, and what I’m getting at here is that I’m not really fond of Christmas slasher movies. They’re a whole subgenre that I respect for its place in the canon, but the likes of Silent Night, Deadly Night or Black Christmas aren’t really my cup of tea. I like my Christmas stories with a shot of hope and redemption, and you don’t really get that with the bleaker kinds of horror movies. No, my Christmas horror movies have to offer at least a chance at a happy ending, which is why the greatest of them all is obviously Gremlins. Supposedly Chris Columbus’s original script for the 1984 classic was much darker and more violent than what was put on screen, and while I think that darker version of the story may be interesting, I’m really quite glad they changed focus before the cameras rolled. The movie nicely balances the adorable (Gizmo) with the abominable (all of his Gremlin offspring) in a way that has plenty of jumpscares and just a teeny dash of gore, but at the same time, isn’t so terrifying that I couldn’t show it to my 13-year-old niece. It’s also really funny, which is never a bad thing.

Maybe I spoke too soon about my favorite Christmas song.

The other horror movie that comes to mind this time of year is more recent, 2015’s Krampus. Directed by Michael Dougherty, who also co-wrote it, the film features a family very much at odds with one another: an obnoxious brother-in-law, a pair of bully cousins, a judgmental and overbearing aunt, until finally young Max (played by Emjay Anthony) loses his Christmas spirit and wishes them all away. That night a horrible blizzard cuts the power and traps the family in the house…and then the fun begins. 

Dougherty is also the writer and director of the phenomenal Halloween anthology Trick ‘r Treat, which is implied to take place in the same cinematic universe as Krampus, and he brings the same sensibility to the project. Just like Trick ‘r Treat, the evil forces come after characters who have violated the spirit of the holiday and are – in one way or another – due some sort of karmic punishment. Unlike the Halloween film, though (and far more in keeping with Christmas) even the worst characters in Krampus have moments where they show that maybe they’re not irredeemable after all. The ending is a bit of a mind screw and there’s some debate as to what it actually means, although an official graphic novel tie-in Dougherty contributes to gives a bit of information that seems to support the slightly optimistic interpretation of the movie’s finale.

Pictured: optimism.

Whew, that’s plenty of Christmas goodness for you guys to seek out, and we’re just getting started! I’ve got several other suggestions that I just don’t have room for this week, so come back next Friday and look for some more of your categories in Playing Favorites With Christmas Part Two! And if you’ve got a suggestion of your own, there’s still time! Drop it in the comments right here, or on whatever social media post you followed to get here!

Blake M. Petit is a writer, teacher, and dad from Ama, Louisiana. His current writing project is the superhero adventure series Other People’s Heroes: Little Stars, a new episode of which is available every Wednesday on Amazon’s Kindle Vella platform. He is desperately awaiting the suggestion that allows him to discuss 1982’s Christmas Comes to Pac-Land, so we’re begging you, don’t give him that chance.

Geek Punditry #41: Playing Favorites With Horror Movies (Part Two)

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Horror Without a Death

Last week, in a column that has been-fast tracked for the 2023 Pulitzer Prize for Blog Posts about Horror Movies (probably not a real thing) I asked my friends on social media to give me suggestions for categories of horror. I would then report back on your suggestions here and talk about some of my favorites in each category. I got a lot of great suggestions – so many, in fact, that I couldn’t fit them all into a single column. So buckle in, my friends, it’s time for Week Two of Playing Favorites With Horror Movies!

Horror Without a Death

Duane Hower came at me with one of the toughest suggestions of the whole batch: what’s my favorite horror movie in which NOBODY DIES? (And a note here – just the fact that a movie can be mentioned in this category qualifies as a spoiler, so if you’re squeamish about that sort of thing, you may want to hop down to the next category.) 

It was tough, guys. There aren’t that many films that meet the criteria – after all, the point of horror is to instill fear, and that inherently brings with it the fear of the void. There are plenty of horror/comedies that fall into this category, sure, but straight horror? It’s not easy to find good examples.

A few eventually came to mind. Poltergeist is about a family that moves to a new home only to discover malevolent spirits already inhabit their dwelling. The Others is about a family that moves to a new home…only to discover that malevolent spirits already inhabit…okay, there’s a pattern. But 1408! That mixes it up! That’s about a travel writer who gets a hotel room! And finds that malevolent spirits inhabit the dwelling. 

“I see dead people. Not fresh ones, though.”

Still, these are solid films where nobody dies (well…depending on which cut of 1408 you watch). The thing is, they’re also all ghost stories. And ghost stories rock, don’t get me wrong, but they’re stories about somebody who has already died. Can I count them in this category, just because the deaths in question happened before the movie began?

If I rule out ghost stories, the pool gets even shallower, but there are still a few tasty fish in it. Tod Browning’s Freaks from 1932, for instance. The director of Bela Lugosi’s Dracula followed it with this movie about performers in a circus sideshow and an unscrupulous woman who plans to take advantage of them to seize an inheritance one of them is due to collect. The movie is pretty wild, and was so controversial at the time that Browning’s career was essentially destroyed. But nobody dies in the film…although by the ending, there’s someone who may wish they were dead.

I also need to give credit to One Hour Photo, a thriller starring the late, great Robin Williams. Williams plays a man who works for one of those one hour photo development labs (kids, ask your parents) and becomes dangerously obsessed with one of the families whose film he processes. Williams, of course, was a legend for his comedic roles, and often showed his dramatic chops as well in movies like Dead Poets Society and Good Morning, Vietnam, but this is the only movie I can think of that showed how outright SCARY he could be when he set his mind to it. The man was a unique and priceless talent, and I feel like this is a movie that doesn’t get talked about enough, possibly because the entire premise is centered around a piece of late 20th century culture that doesn’t really exist anymore.

Hammer Horror

My old buddy Eric LeBlanc wanted to know what my favorite movie was from the Hammer Films catalog. In the 1950s, after Universal Studios quietly put an end to their monumental run of monster movies, Britain’s Hammer Films saw an opportunity to fill the void. Not only did they start pumping out horror movies at a pace that would have made Carl Lammle Jr. pick his jaw up off the floor, but they did so by borrowing a heck of a lot of the goodwill that Universal had built up, using the same public domain creeps like Frankenstein’s monster, vampires, mummies, and werewolves. 

I never got quite as deep into Hammer as I have into the Universal library, but I’ve seen a lot of their films and I definitely have my favorites, the top being 1958’s Horror of Dracula (or sometimes just Dracula). Incredibly stylish and colorful, the movie is also a bit more faithful to the original novel than the Universal version. Plus it has two of the giants of horror in some of their best parts: Christopher Lee as Count Dracula and Peter Cushing as Van Helsing. Lee is creepy and charming, and the only reason he’s not considered the definitive version of Dracula is that Bela Lugosi beat him to it. And Van Helsing? Sorry, Hugh Jackman, but Peter Cushing owns that role. 

The HORROR…of a world without photoshop.

Stephen King Adaptation

Rachel Ricks played right into my hands by asking for my favorite Stephen King adaptation.

Project ALF.

Iiiiiiiit’s baaaaaaaaack!

As anyone who has read this blog for more than a day knows, I’m a huge fan of Stephen King’s books…but what about his movies? There have been over 200 adaptations of King’s novels and short stories (I checked IMDB), so which one is the best? Truth is the really great ones aren’t actually horror movies: The Shawshank Redemption, The Green Mile, and Stand By Me are some of the best films ever made based on King’s work, but none of them qualify as horror. When you get into the scary content, the sad truth is that a lot of the adaptations are sub-par. (I mean…have you SEEN Maximum Overdrive? Whoever directed that movie doesn’t seem to have the slightest idea what Stephen King is all about. It’s like he was on cocaine or something.)

That said, there are SOME good horror movies based on King’s work. Many people would point immediately to The Shining, but I’m not among them. Look, it’s a good movie, but as an adaptation of King’s book it is terrible. I’d rather focus on movies that DO adapt the books more or less faithfully.

I already mentioned 1408 earlier, and I’d place it close to the top of this list. At the VERY top, though, would be Misery, the James Caan/Kathy Bates adaptation about a writer (it’s a Stephen King movie, of COURSE it’s about a writer) who gets in a terrible car accident only to be saved by his biggest fan. As he begins to heal, though, he discovers that he may have been better off in the wreck. 

Some people, however, would classify Misery more as a thriller than a horror movie, so for those who like to split hairs, let’s talk about The Mist. A mysterious fog full of murderous monsters rolls over a small town, trapping dozens of people in a supermarket. The adaptation is solid, but what really elevates it is the ending. Frank Darabont, who wrote and directed this film (and Shawshank and The Green Mile, so you see his pedigree) changed the ending of the story, something that I usually find outrageous. But the ending he put on was so shocking and dark that even Stephen King himself says he prefers it to the original. 

And I’ve got to give credit to It. I consider this one of King’s best novels – perhaps THE best Stephen King novel – and we’ve gotten TWO pretty good adaptations. The original miniseries from the 90s did the best it could on network television, and Tim Curry is iconic as Pennywise. But in 2017 we got a fantastic adaptation of half of the novel, with Bill Skarsgard taking Pennywise and making him his own. Admittedly, It Chapter Two from 2019 didn’t quite live up to the first part, but you can watch the first part on its own and get a solid, satisfying story. It’s darn near perfect.

It’s good to be the King.

The Wonderful World of Disney

Ryan Tait gave me a category I NEVER would have thought of, but absolutely love: my favorite Wonderful World of Disney Halloween movie. Back in the day, before even the Disney channel, Wonderful World was a delightful showcase for Disney content of all stripes, and some of those made-for-TV movies still hold a warm place in my heart today. My favorite for this category is going to both show my age and make a lot of people wonder what the hell I’m talking about, but I have a deep abiding fondness for the 1986 film Mr. Boogedy.

From the studio that brought you Old Yeller.

A novelty salesman and his family move into a new house that turns out to be haunted (SO MANY of these movies are about people who move into haunted houses, and there are some downright unscrupulous realtors out there) by both some kind ghosts who have been trapped there and by the malevolent spirit who has kept them prisoner. It’s a silly, cheesy movie, but it’s so much fun. And the cast has a great pedigree. Richard Masur of the 90s It, a pre-Buffy the Vampire Slayer Kristy Swanson, a pre-Married With Children David Faustino, and young Benji Gregory, on the cusp of superstardom for his role on the sitcom…not making it up this time…ALF. 

Benji wasn’t in the movie, though.

Both Mr. Boogedy and its (perhaps even better) sequel, Bride of Boogedy, are available on Disney+…but I’m hesitant to tell you to go and watch them if you’ve never seen them before. It’s one of those things where I know my fondness for the movie comes from having watched it over and over again as a child, and I suspect that somebody watching it now, for the first time, as an adult, wouldn’t love it the way that I do. But if you HAVE seen it before and remember it warmly, go check it out. I watched it last year and I still love it.

Installments Past a Sequel

Jasper Fahrig asked what I thought were good installments of a franchise past the first sequel. It’s a truth of filmmaking that long-running series often suffer from diminishing returns. The deeper you get, the worse the franchise often becomes, so finding a good movie that’s part 3 or higher isn’t always easy. Fortunately, Wes Craven is there to hook us up with not one, but two films in the Nightmare on Elm Street franchise. Craven wrote and directed the original Nightmare, but sat out the sequel. When Part Three (Dream Warriors) was made, he came back to help with the story. After a part two that many people admittedly enjoy, but doesn’t really fit with the rest of the franchise, part three is GREAT. Robert Englund is in top form, Heather Langenkamp returns as Nancy (the BEST final girl outside of Laurie Strode), and the crazy horror dream imagery is used to the best effect in the entire series. What’s more, the movie was directed by Chuck Russell (whose remake of The Blob I mentioned last week) and co-written by Frank Darabont. Maybe I’m NOT a horror fan, guys, maybe I’m just a fan of several very specific filmmakers.

But Craven wasn’t quite done. He stepped away from Freddy after that and three more sequels incredibly diluted the character before Wes came back to save the day one more time with Wes Craven’s New Nightmare. Langenkamp is back again, but this time she plays HERSELF, an actress who finds herself haunted by the spirit of Freddy Kruger, the killer from that old movie she made years ago. Craven also appears as himself in the movie, as does Robert Englund, playing both himself and Freddy Krueger. The movie uses the language of the Nightmare series to make a statement about the power of storytelling and belief. It was ” meta” two years before Craven would redefine “meta” with the Scream franchise, and it’s hands-down my favorite Nightmare.

A double feature to keep you up all night.

Award-Worthy Horror

Seth Pontiff wanted to know some horror movie performances that I thought were worthy of Oscar consideration. Oooh, that’s a good one. I’ve often complained about the way the Academy ignores genre movies, but there HAVE been a scarce few performances that got nods. Kathy Bates actually won best actress for Misery, and the next year both Jodie Foster and Anthony Hopkins would take home statues for Silence of the Lambs, but those are movies that the Academy can classify as “Thrillers” without getting their hands dirty in a straight-up horror movie.

So who should have been recognized, but wasn’t? I have to say, I think it’s an outright crime that Boris Karloff was never recognized for his work as the Frankenstein monster. He played the creature three times, twice in movies that are indisputable classics, and infused the monster with such depth and humanity that the viewer comes out the other end on his side. There was so much sadness and power in the character, interspersed with other moments like unbridled joy at those few times he thinks he’s found a kindred spirit, and Karloff sells every second of it. There’s a reason that every kid who draws a picture of the creature gives him a flattop and bolts on his neck, and it’s not because Mary Shelley described him that way.

Another performance that I think was awardworthy? Jamie Lee Curtis as Laurie Strode in Halloween. Not the 1978 film…the one from 2018. This is going to be controversial, I know, because that film has become EXTREMELY divisive among horror fans. And in truth, I was highly disappointed in the final film in that trilogy. But when I look at the 2018 movie by itself I am in awe of her performance. Curtis plays Laurie Strode as a trauma survivor who has spent her entire life preparing for the other shoe to drop. It’s a performance full of anguish and pain, and she sells it every second she’s on screen. I’m glad that she got her Oscar last year for Everything Everywhere All at Once, but I really believe she should have had it sooner.

I’m actually not great at Photoshop either, so pretend I made it look like these two are holding little statues.

Psychological Horror

And finally, AJ Peden asked me about my favorite psychological horror movies. What makes this difficult is that it’s really hard to define what “psychological horror” actually is. The Wikipedia definition (yeah, I looked it up) says it’s horror “with a particular focus on mental, emotional, and psychological states to frighten, disturb, or unsettle its audience.” Well gee, that narrows it down, right? Another problem here is that so many of these movies overlap into other subgenres: ghost stories, slasher movies, found footage films, etc., have all had prime examples of what we could call “psychological horror.” 

I suppose my favorites in this incredibly broad subcategory would have to go back to the great Alfred Hitchcock. Psycho is the obvious example – it’s a great movie with a brilliant twist halfway through the film and a second brilliant twist at the end of the film. It’s also one of the prototypes for the slasher. So is Peeping Tom, which is also a dandy example of psychological horror. In that film, directed by Michael Powell, Karlheinz Bohm plays a photographer making a documentary about fear by filming the deaths of his victims. I suppose a 1960 audience may have been enticed by the title or the high sexual content (by 1960s standards) of the film, but the way Bohm’s character messes with your head is really powerful.

In the 60s, this was scarier than asbestos.

For more modern examples, I think Jordan Peele has kind of taken the forefront of the wave. Get Out, the movie that made people realize that guy from the goofy sketch comedy show was actually a master of terror, was not only a meditation on race relations, but a terrifying film about the potential of having your body literally stolen from you and the mental state that would result from – or compel somebody to do – such a thing. There have been a lot of films since Get Out that have tried to capture that same flavor (The Barbarian comes to mind, as does X and its prequel, Pearl), but I think as far as today’s filmmakers go, Peele wears the crown. 

And I think that’s going to wrap it up, guys. There are a few other suggestions I didn’t get to, but those are either in categories where I haven’t seen enough movies to really form an opinion (Patrick Slagle – sorry, I don’t have a lot of folk horror movies in my catalog) or categories where my answer is so basic that I don’t know that I have anything interesting to say about it. (Rene Gautreaux: the best religious-based horror movie is still the original The Exorcist. Tony Cirillo, my favorite puppet from the Puppet Master franchise is Blade, because blades are cool.) 

I hope you enjoyed this little experiment as much as I did. I had a lot of fun letting you guys tell me what to write about, and I think we uncovered a few gems in the process. May this two-parter help you find some new stuff to watch in the remainder of this spooky season, and keep your eyes right here! I don’t think it’s going to be too long before I ask you all to help me Play Favorites again. 

Blake M. Petit is a writer, teacher, and dad from Ama, Louisiana. His current writing project is the superhero adventure series Other People’s Heroes: Little Stars, a new episode of which is available every Wednesday on Amazon’s Kindle Vella platform. All this and nobody asked about the best zombie movie? Ah well, maybe next time. 

Geek Punditry #40: Playing Favorites With Horror Movies (Part One)

blakemp Geek Punditry, Playing Favorites , , , , , , , , , ,

One of my favorite things, as a teacher, is when you find a class that you just click with. You enjoy their insights, you can have real conversations with them, and you look forward to seeing them walk into your room every day. Sometimes, those kids even ask you questions that get your creative juices flowing. This week, for instance, in one such class, a student asked me what my favorite horror movie was. This was a tough question for, as I’ve mentioned before, I don’t really like ranking things. I feel like it can sometimes be a hotbed for division and argument, for one. Also, sometimes it’s REALLY hard. Favorite horror movie? How do you pick? There are so many different KINDS of horror. Is it really fair to compare something like I Walked With a Zombie to Saw, both technically horror movies, but so different from one another that any comparison is really inadequate?

Samesies?

But then a thought occurred to me. One of the things that makes it hard is that there ARE too many categories to compare…so rather than try, why not look at my favorite films in each of these respective categories? So I turned to my friends on social media for a little experiment. I asked them to suggest different categories of horror movies, and I would take to this week’s Geek Punditry column to discuss my favorites in each category suggested. If it worked, I figured, it would be a cheap and easy way fun and clever way to draw future topics for GP columns. And if not? Well, it’s just one week.

Some categories are obvious, of course. Only a few weeks ago I spent an entire column talking about why Scream is my favorite slasher franchise. And not quite a year ago, before I even started GP, I wrote a blog post revealing that my favorite Universal Monster series is – to the surprise of absolutely nobody – Frankenstein. But I wanted to see what categories YOU guys could come up, and there were some doozies. So without further ado, I present to you the first ever Geek Punditry Presents: Playing Favorites…with HORROR MOVIES!

HORROR/COMEDIES

Lew Beitz kicked me off with a category I have a LOT to say about: the best horror/comedies. As people who’ve been reading my stuff for a long time know, I’ve covered this category in-depth in the past. Why, way back in 2012 I spent an entire month discussing 20 of the best horror/comedies of all time. 

You see, horror and comedy, I believe, co-exist on kind of a sliding scale. Both genres are absolutely dependent on an ability to build up tension and release it in a satisfying way: in comedy with laughter, in horror with screams. But the tools are largely the same, only the result is different, and it can be very easy to turn a moment from one where you laugh to one where you’re terrified with just the slightest twist to the left. Horror/comedies, as a subgenre, are also on a sliding scale. There are those that are mostly comedies, but use the tropes of horror movies as the backdrop for the fun (Bob Hope’s classic The Ghost Breakers falls into this category), whereas others are true horror movies that happen to have funny characters or funny moments (the best films in the Scream franchise go here – and this is where Freddy Krueger believes he exists, although his victims and, occasionally, his audience may beg to differ). 

Most people who know me know that two of my all-time favorite movies fall into the lighter side of this spectrum: Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein and Ghostbusters. Abbott and Costello jumped into the world of the Universal Monsters and delivered an absolute laugh riot, using all the elements that made those monster movies classic and combining them with their own flawless comic sensibility. And as if that wasn’t enough, they had Bela Lugosi returning as Dracula (only the second time he would play the Count, and the final time as well). Lon Chaney Jr. was on board as the Wolf Man! All they were missing was Boris Karloff as the Frankenstein Monster, although Glenn Strange did a fine job. There are two times I watch this movie: at least once every Halloween season, and any time it happens to turn up on MeTV’s Svengoolie. 

Wanna Laugh? Wanna be creeped out? No need to choose.

Ghostbusters, on the other hand, is a workplace comedy where the workplace happens to be an exterminator business for the dead. Legendary performances by comedic actors at the top of their game, special effects that are astonishing for the time (and the time constraints) in which the movie was made, and a script full of the best movie quotes ever written. My love for the real Ghostbusters knows no bounds.

But if you’re the sort of person who prefers their horror/comedy to slide further to the horror side of the scale, may I recommend Evil Dead 2? Bruce Campbell, a chainsaw, and an incursion of demonic creatures from beyond the grave makes for a gory and glorious time. And it doesn’t even matter if you haven’t seen the (scarier but less funny) original film, because the first 20 minutes is basically a condensed remake of that one. 

ALIENS SERIES

Sandy Brophy wants to know what I think the best movie is in the Aliens series. I assume he means Ridley Scott’s Xenomorphs, because if he just means any movie with an extraterrestrial, the scariest one is obvious: Project ALF.

Your cat is terrified.

But in the Ridley Scott series, we’ve got eight movies to choose from so far: the four films featuring Sigourney Weaver’s Ripley, the two Alien Vs. Predator films, and the preboot films Prometheus and Alien: Covenant. But if you’re hoping for a lot of fussing and prevaricating over this one friends, I’m sorry to disappoint, but this is an easy answer. It’s the original, by far. 

The tagline even makes a basic truth of physics scary.

To be clear, I haven’t seen all eight of these films. Alien3 was so bad that I just couldn’t bring myself to watch Alien: Resurrection. But with seven out of eight under my belt, I feel confident in saying the original wins the crown because it’s the only one that’s actually intended to be a horror movie. It’s a haunted house movie in space, and it hits all the tropes of that kind of story perfectly while still keeping it in a fully fleshed-out science fiction universe. A large part of what makes it scary was that you didn’t actually get a good look at the alien for most of the movie. Ridley Scott knew that what a person can imagine is far more frightening than what you can put on the screen. When James Cameron signed on for the sequel, Aliens, he wisely realized that it would be impossible to replicate that kind of suspense now that everybody knew what the aliens looked like and how they functioned, so he didn’t even try. He didn’t make it a scary movie, he made it an action movie, and he knocked it out of the park. Some may even make a convincing case for the sequel being a better movie than the original, but that’s not the question today, is it? The question is which is a better horror movie, and after the first one, the rest of the films in this franchise aren’t even competing in the same contest.

NON-XENOMORPH SCI-FI

Not to be outdone by Sandy, Jason Ritterstein asked for my favorite non-xenomorph science fiction horror movie.

Project ALF.

How many times can I get away with this?

But if that’s too scary for you, there are other options. I actually struggled with this one a little, as many of the most memorable sci-fi horror movies also fall into the “Horror/Comedy” category, like Critters, Killer Klowns From Outer Space, and Little Shop of Horrors, all of which are worth watching. But if you’re looking for something that’s not trying to be funny, or at least not trying as hard as those other ones, I like Chuck Russell’s 1988 remake of The Blob. He takes the premise of the original and updates it nicely to the 80s, although the effects are a little dated. The original is good too. And if neither of those is scary enough for you, get a change of pants and check out Event Horizon, a 1997 film about an expedition to recover a spacecraft that went missing seven years prior, and the absolutely terrifying things found on board. This came out at a time where all I really knew Sam Neill from was Jurassic Park (I would watch In the Mouth of Madness later), and holy gee willikers, it made me see him in a totally different way.

Space is scary as hell, guys. Why do we keep trying to go there?

BEST WORST MOVIE

Amber Foret asked for “the funniest unintentionally comedic horror,” while Seth Pontiff wanted to find out what I thought was “the best worst low budget horror.” I combined these two because I think they’re really asking for the same thing: what’s a terrible horror movie that’s fun to watch? And that’s tough, isn’t it friends? Because there are just SO. MANY. OF. THEM.

Part of me feels a little bad to shine a light on this, because nobody really tries to make a bad movie, but people do it every day. Back when video stores were a thing it was impossible to walk through the horror section without seeing dozens of movies that should never be attempted without the assistance of a current or former occupant of the Satellite of Love and a couple of wisecracking robots. When a horror movie fails, it can fail for so many reasons: a bad story, bad special effects, bad performances, bad scare attempts, bad takes on contemporary issues…when you look at how many things can go wrong, it’s almost a miracle that anybody ever makes a good movie at all. 

But if you’re looking for the perfect storm of terrible horror movies…well, I’m sorry if you’re looking for a revelation here, friends, but there’s no awful movie that’s more fun to watch than Troll 2. A movie that has no trolls in it, that was retroactively retitled to be the sequel to a horror movie nobody remembers, Troll 2 is one of the most bafflingly stupid, inept, and poorly-made movies in human history. It’s glorious. A family goes on vacation, renting a house in a town called Nilbog (oh yeah, Nilbog) and soon find themselves the targets of a group of vegetarian goblins whose plot is to turn humans into plants so they can eat them. You can read that sentence another 17 times if you want, friends, it won’t make any more or less sense than it does now. 

The movie nobody asked for, and yet we can’t live without.

This movie is so legendary that 20 years later the child star of it actually made a very good documentary about the cult following it’s garnered, Best Worst Movie, which reveals many of the reasons for film’s ineptitude. For example, writer/director Claudio Fragasso evidently wrote the script in his native Italian and then translated it, but refused to allow any of the actors to change even a word of their dialogue to make it sound more natural coming out of the mouths of 90s American teenagers. (Actual quote: “I’m the victim of a nocturnal rapture. I have to release my lowest instincts with a woman.” Ladies, if you ever have a date who says he’s a victim of nocturnal rapture, call the cops.) Budget constraints led to the goblins wearing what look like off-the-rack rubber masks that were then shat upon by a horse. The actors weren’t professionals (pretend to be shocked at that), and one of them turned out to be a patient at a local mental institution who got a role and filmed his scenes while on a day trip. The only actor in the movie who seems to be enjoying herself is Deborah Reed, who plays the villain, Creedence Leonore Gielgud (and make damn sure you use the whole name). She spends the film giving a performance so ridiculously over-the-top and hamfisted she makes Elvira look like a wallflower by comparison. This movie is a train wreck caused by a plane crash that happened on top of a Native American burial ground, and it could potentially be used to interrogate political prisoners who have proven surprisingly resistant to waterboarding and bamboo shoots under their fingernails. It’s a masterpiece. 

FOUND FOOTAGE

Our last suggestion for this week comes from reader Erin Petit, who moves up to the front of the queue because she happens to be my wife. (Sleeping with the writer gives you advantages, people.) She wants to know what my favorite found footage horror movie is, because it’s becoming a favorite subgenre of hers.

We seem to be on the downward slope of found footage movies at the moment. For a while there, especially after Paranormal Activity, they were booming…mostly because they’re relatively cheap to make, and there’s nothing a movie executive loves to hear more than “relatively cheap.” In fact, I’m pretty sure that exact language was used to describe them when the WGA was making their demands during the recently-concluded strike. But this boom brought with it a lot of bad movies, and finding the good ones can be rather difficult. 

If I’m gonna pick one, though, I have to go with Adam Green’s Digging Up the Marrow. This may be slightly controversial, as Green himself dislikes calling the film a “found footage” movie, preferring to refer to it as a fake documentary. And he’s right, it’s not “found” the way that most such movies are, where the conceit seems to be that you, the viewer, happened to stumble upon an old VHS tape in a box and you popped it into the machine to see what’s on it. Green’s movie is filmed like a documentary, with the requisite cutaway moments, talking head interviews, and the like…but the best, most effective parts of it use the language of found footage, so I’m going to stick with my answer.

AAAHH!!! Real monsters!

Anyway, in this movie Green plays himself, horror filmmaker Adam Green, approached by a man named William Dekker who is sending him drawings of dozens of monsters…monsters he’s trying to convince Green are real. It’s a great movie with some amazing practical monster effects, and Green and Ray Wise (as Dekker) put forth a fantastic performance. The ending is so creepy and effective that when we first watched it, Erin made me get up from the couch and lock our front door because she said heard a weird noise outside. (Sorry if you didn’t want me to tell that story, sweetheart, but you asked.)

Wow, guys. This is already almost the longest Geek Punditry column of all time, and I haven’t even gotten through half your suggestions! So you know what? NEXT WEEK WILL BE PLAYING FAVORITES PART TWO! If I didn’t get to your suggestion this week, I’ve got them all saved and I’ll tackle more next Friday. And if you didn’t give me a suggestion, there’s still time! Drop it in the comments here or hit me with it on any of the social media platforms you used to find this column. And while you’re at it, tell me your thoughts on the categories I covered THIS week! There’s PLENTY more to talk about this Spooky Season, and want to hear from you!

Blake M. Petit is a writer, teacher, and dad from Ama, Louisiana. His current writing project is the superhero adventure series Other People’s Heroes: Little Stars, a new episode of which is available every Wednesday on Amazon’s Kindle Vella platform. He did not expect this new column format to be such an abundance of riches, and now it’s going to be nigh-impossible to prevent him from running it into the ground. Way to go, guys.