Children’s Programming

If you have a child in your home, this means you will eventually be subjected to… drumroll please… children’s programming. Parents have had to deal with this since the advent of television, and while it’s easy to declare that today’s children’s TV is the worst of all time, the truth is that most kid shows have always sucked. I still occasionally apologize to my father for all the hours he spent sitting through episodes of He-Man when I was a kid.

Are there exceptions? Of course. Animaniacs was brilliant. Phineas and Ferb was a gem. But just like there are a thousand composers we’ve forgotten about for every Mozart, every Voltron has dozens of Tattooed Teenage Alien Fighters From Beverly Hills.

tiny beatsErin recently discovered a show on Hulu’s “baby” channel called Tiny Beats. In this show, bugs hear a strange sound and investigate it. Wordlessly. Every episode. While the same music plays. Over and over again. I am certain that when a sinner arrives in Hell, they hear the music from Tiny Beats on a permanent loop.

After I pointed this out to her, Erin flipped through Hulu Babies for an alternative. We wound up on a show called Hungry Henry. When she clicked play, a cat in a sombrero appeared on our TV and said, “Who is huuuuuuuuuuuungry?”

I looked at Erin. “I already like this better than the last show. I relate to Henry.”

HenryOn the show — and I must warn you, there are spoilers here — Henry went to a restaurant where the menu only has pictures and ordered “hot corn.” The chef then prevaricated for a few minutes until he confessed that — this was the dramatic act one turn — he had no corn. Henry, undaunted, set out on a quest to discover where corn comes from and bring it back to the restaurant instead of just going home and making it himself.

“I want this to be the whole show,” I said. “I want every episode to be Henry going to this same damn restaurant and ordering something, and they’re out, and he has to go find it.”

The second cartoon began. Henry went back to the restaurant. He ordered orange juice.

“Oh Henry, I’d be happy to make you orange juice, but I’m all out of oranges.”

“That IS the show!” I cheered. “This is BRILLIANT!”

So I highly recommend Hungry Henry for all you parents out there. And stay tuned next fall when I premiere my new show, Dumbfounded Douglas, about a dog whose wife sends him to the hardware store for a different mechanical part each episode, but the dog has no idea what he’s looking for and has to get an employee named Larry to help him. It’s going to be a smash.

You may have heard, Blake and Erin have a baby, so he hopes you’ll allow him to remind you he’s got a bunch of books and short stories for sale on Amazon, and suggest you follow his author’s page on Facebook.

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